it's been so long that i forgot how to write a journal entry. knowing myself i'll probably delete a bunch of it out of this so that i can feel strong like usual, or ill type up a bunch of stuff and delete it half way through, then go to bed. because that's how i deal with things. i watch it decrease around me, i don't react until later and then i usually let it go halfway through. but it must be getting old for you to listen to me whine about not being in the right country, but at the moment i dont really want to make excuses, i just wish someone could see it from my persepective. i know this is stupid, but i was watching a promo on youtube today, which is sad but it made me want to post this rant. the girl in it said something along the lines of 'when did everything get so screwed up.' i can't remember when my life became this guessing game of the next tradegty to strike my family happens. it's been eight years since i lived under the same roof as my father, and my parents are still married. it's been six years since i started taking care of my mother after her drunk spells. it's been three years since i actually had a life. getting on that plane in april 2007 i never would of dreamt that i would be here. sitting in england waiting on a visa to a country that seems to be our next stop. but it wont make everything better, because the fighting between my parents will end up getting worse. i lost everything i had been working for. all over again. my grades are history, i wont be able to get into college with my friends and they will forever look down at me because im that sad case. but you want to know what's the worse thing about it? it continues. every day i wake up wondering when the next time my neighbor will push his way through my front door, or when my mom will do somethin stupid again and it causes me to have to be the one to fix everything. or when she'll threaten to leave again. i wish alcohol was never invented, because all it has done is tear my family apart. im scared to death that this visa will never happen, that i'll never get back home. i have been the good kid for so long thinking that good karma will come from this, but it's not happening. i'd give anything to et what's fair. anything for everything that we have ever wanted, or for a day to go right for once in our lives. i know i dont deserve this, i just dont know when it's all going to stop. ill probably take this down tomorrow because i hate for people to see me like this, i just want it all to end.